I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
they're like a gay fantastic four
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
