"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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