I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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