Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
