He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
