Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
