Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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