and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
