Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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