I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
