Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize