fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
