Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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