Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
