what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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