That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
