I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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