I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
