Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
