I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
