now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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