I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
