im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
