Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
