I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
