By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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