I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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