I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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