I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
