At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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