i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
