Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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