I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
