I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
