So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
