Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
