the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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