I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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