That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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