I wish I could teleport
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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