ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
