Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
