Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
