I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
