the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
