Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
