My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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