in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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