im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
