You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
