there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
