But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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