So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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