My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
