maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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