It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
