Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
