I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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