Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
