everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
