Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
