my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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