....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
