Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Text me some of your sweat
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